What's in your bedside table?

Bow Chicka Wow-Wow. Let's get sexy! Okay, you know me well. Nothing sexy in it. At all. As Elliott would say, my bedside table is an "epic fail".

The unit I have has 2 large drawers and a smaller one at the top. One large drawer is crammed with pyjamas. The risqué type consisting of flannel pants and tank tops. There's a white tank in there with racy droplet stains on the front. That is, if you think chocolate cake batter splatter stains are racy. Some people do. A tip: never pull the beaters out of the bowl while they're still spinning.

The other large drawer is full of bathing suits. I only wear one so why I can barely shut it is beyond me. It's because I have an aversion to getting rid of them. I can't throw them out because they're in fine condition. I can't donate them because, well, who'd buy a used bathing suit? So there you go. Bathing suits of every style and every size (What's that at the bottom? A string bikini top? Was I ever able to pull that off? I was, dammit.)

Okay. Now for the suggestive stuff in the top drawer. Ready?

• a diary (2 blogs and she still writes in a diary every night? How does she do it?)
• 2 Archie comics (Shut up.)
• eyeglasses and case
• 2 ipods ("you can never have too many" says the book of Jobs)
• earbuds
• 6 pens (you never know when a writing emergency will come up)
• hand sanitizer (because, ummm, of sexy stuff? Yeah, that's it)
• crossword puzzle book (because I'm a massive dork and mercilessly ignore the love of my life lying 3 inches to my right)
• hand lotion (My hands get dry. I wish I could tell you it's for something less boring.)
• chapstick (for the lips above the equator, sicko)
• a notebook (to write down my ridiculous reality based dreams)
• room deodoriser (you try sleeping next to a man for over 20 years and see if you don't need it)
• eye pack (ditto above)

Woo. Is it hot in here or is it just me? No? Nothing?

kxx